Can Swallow This [EA9]

[Moyr Ahaya]

Pronouncing her name in unbroken form brought to the fore the context he had likely not intended; the very same which made the Sith Code so compelling to her. Her name had broken after she had escaped slavery, leaving its galactic nursery, Ryloth, behind. But she killed her irreflexive urge to lash out. It was not a time to be petty over simple misunderstandings, because the general meaning of what he was trying to say was clear enough. It struck a chord, reviving cursorily buried hell of contradictions. If she had heard it from a friend it would be easier to relate to. But Sylvain had been far more than that and was far less than that. His gall to paraphrase the words of her heart baffled her, and irritated. His moral high ground when it was because of him she found herself in a pit was unbearable, but calling him out on his hypocrisy would yield what exactly? Would she feel better? No. So she weathered his first words in silence, needing her hold on the counter to remain in place. But then, he started giving himself absolutions...

"This is a wishful lie, Sylvain. Perhaps well-meant, but a lie still. You chose whom to protect, and it wasn't me. You hadn't even had the decency to protect me from yourself in the first place. Your magnanimity may be making you feel noble, but it feels like a cruel joke for me. Because the life in which I wanted to be protected is the one that vanished with you. I survived solely because I discarded the notion that I need to be protected. Now that I've paid the heavy cost of learning to rely just on myself, you lecture me how bad it is, how tragic is the loss, and try to convince me about the unflinching nature of your morals? I... I won't use big words for it."

Her fingers clenched around the heavy whiskey glass, but her voice was less and less a projection of strength.

"I loved you completely and it wasn't good enough for you... Haven't you humiliated me enough? All I am left with is some self-esteem and dignity and you want to take that away too?"

[Sylvain Torsin]

He shook his head, "That is not my intent. I don't offer to coddle you now any more than then... your bright spark of individuality is something I would never suppress.."

He sighed, "You are right that I screwed up in that whole relationship... I started pursuing you before I thought to talk to Kris about how I felt about her... I didn't expect you'd have to be protected from me when we started, and I... fell for you, I loved you enough to consider throwing away all that I had been... when pushed to choose between that which I knew for my whole life and you... I did make the choice I did... nothing can change that. But a 'lie' implies intention... and I never intended to do anything that would make you have to stifle a part of you I loved."

He then added, "It's not some cheesy dump line... I seriously bear the bulk of the blame for how things turned out. I'm not saying it to sound noble... not doing it to dig into your confidence... I'm doing it because I feel you're happier the other way."

[Moyr Ahaya]

It didn't look like she would have the resolve to just depart now, and standing was not an option any longer, so she slipped back on the chair. Her face slowly turned toward him. Thin vertical trails glistened across her cheeks.

"...I don't hate you, Syl. I don't think I can. I hate myself though, and I don't think I can stop. I stupidly yearned for the impossible and I failed to see it until the last moment. I tried to erase you but it is not possible, some most important moments in my life have you in them. There is no way out of this conundrum, none that I see. If there is happiness for me somewhere out there, it is not through the kind of love I gave you. The faith and trust I put in you, that was one-off. When you came to my tent on Yavin and told me you're just mine the way I was just yours, we both wanted it to be true. But it was not enough to make it true. There is no other end of the road than that."

[Sylvain Torsin]

He nodded and sat looking forward at the wall of drinks for quite some time trying to figure out what if anything he could say.

"My words have done great damage to many people I love as of late... makes me hate myself much like you hate yourself... but I don't think that's the only way forward... That which robs us both of our confidence... robs us both of the memories that should linger in our minds as positive ones... whatever drive that is that presses us to do that, should be resisted. It makes us lesser now... and lessens the importance of what we shared in the past."

[Moyr Ahaya]

"Maybe the future holds some answers in this regard." She breathed deeply, as if dislodging a chokehold on her throat by pressing her lungs to push out. "I wouldn't mind some healing to occur. But what I won't do is pursuing another ruining pipe dream. In order to survive I need my strength uncompromised."

[Sylvain Torsin]

He nodded, "I'm not asking for another romance. Just something we can both be comfortable with... and move forward stronger."

[Moyr Ahaya]

She turned away sharply, toward the wall of bottles. She knew all that was to know about the fate of the love they had briefly had

"I don't know if something like this exists, and I have no confidence we can find out now. Any suggestion that we should be 'friends' now would probably make me very angry in a knee jerk fashion. And I don't feel like paying for all the alcohol I would destroy before calming down."

She rubbed off the glaze from her cheeks with fingertips.

"I acknowledge your existence, and I talk to you again. This is a nuclear change in my shitty microcosm."

[Sylvain Torsin]

He nodded, "I'll take it without hesitation."

He stood up and brushed his knees off as he prepared to go.

[Moyr Ahaya]

"...and since I've made that leap, try not to die."

She said for a goodbye, without turning toward him, but her voice was on a tenderer note.

[Sylvain Torsin]

"I will do my best. Take care of yourself." He said with a smile and a nod.

He then quietly made his way to the exit.

[Moyr Ahaya]

For the sake of her own sanity, she didn't look at his departure, closing her eyes until the sounds of his steps was gone.