[D3 MA, Cole's] Mind Games

[Cole Ormont]

"If I may speak freely, are you more bothered by the things you've done, or worried what you'll do with yourself if the war ends?"

[Niall Organa]

"Of course." Niall said easily. "But the answer is neither. The regrets that I have are all in the opposite line; paths not taken, choices not made, that sort of thing. And without the war, I would find some other way to serve. I hope for something in the political line, later in life."

He sighed. "But I will admit that some days I feel the weight of my responsibility more keenly than others."

[Cole Ormont]

Cole frowns, his life had offered little room for regret, the Group Commander got what he wanted and that was all there was to it. Cole had never been one to dream, he never saw the point in it, not when life was easier to simply go along with it.

Softly, "it's not the choices that define us, it's how we move on from them. You make better choices, or you keep making the same mistakes."

[Niall Organa]

"Hmmm..." Niall pursed his lips thoughtfully. He is silent for some time, his eyes distant.

Finally, he looked back at Cole. "What about you? Are there any choices that you regret making? Or regret not making?"

[Cole Ormont]

Cole runs a hand through his hair, instead of answering the question, he asks, "do you know how I came to join the Navy?"

[Niall Organa]

Niall shook his head. "I do not. Please." He waved a hand invitingly.

[Cole Ormont]

Crossing his arms protectively, Cole leaned against the desk. "I was sixteen, I'd been planetside for about two years while the Group Commander took on an advisory role with one of the embassies. I was stupid and rebellious, like every other kid my age."

The medic swallows, "the Group Commander had dressed me down over something stupid one morning, I don't know what was different about that day, but like an idiot I decided to stand up for myself and show the Group Commander that I was my own person, or some bullshit. That afternoon, I bring home my boyfriend, we'd been dating for about two weeks."

He pushes on before he has to see the Captain's reaction, "the Group Commander flipped his skrogging lid. No son of his was going to be gay. He gave me a choice: join the military and become a 'real' man, or walk out the door and never so much as think the name Ormont again."

[Niall Organa]

Niall was silent the whole time Cole spoke. Although near the end, his lips twisted in obvious distaste.

Finally, he spoke. "I've never had to make a decision quite like that one, I suppose. To choose between two halves of myself..." He shook his head. "I earnestly hope that I never do."

His expression normalized once more. "I asked if there was a choice you regret. That sounded like an answer to me."

[Cole Ormont]

Cole shakes his head. "I don't regret my choice. I can do a lot more in service to the Republic than a as homeless drifter. I was young, stupid, and I thought I knew a lot more than I really did. I made the right choice, and I suppose I'm grateful for that."

[Niall Organa]

After a moment, Niall nodded. "Good. That's good. It's an important thing to be comfortable with where you are." His expression turned thoughtful again.

"And we're grateful for it as well." He said. His lips twisted. "I suppose I am on a personal level." He touched a finger to the spot on his chest where his injury had been.

[Cole Ormont]

Cole's eyes flicked down to the Captain's chest. "Joke's on him," he says with a slight shrug, "he locked up an impressionable teenager with some of the fittest young men in the galaxy and somehow expected I'd be less gay for the experience."

Cole suspects this is the only chance he'll ever have to speak this freely, "after Tatooine," he pauses.

[Niall Organa]

Niall's lips parted, then pressed shut as he bit his tongue, cutting off another lecture before it began. After a moment, he managed a chuckle at the joke. "Joke's on him, indeed."

He nodded. "Yes? Go on."

[Cole Ormont]

"I was usually doing the double overnights, it wasn't so hectic." Cole looks across the room, eyes becoming distant. "You... you used to have nightmares. It's not uncommon," he shakes his head. "I used to read sections from my texts aloud, just being able to hear a nearby voice seemed to calm you down."

With an amused snort, "I'd be surprised if there was much you don't know about the vascular systems of about five different species."

[Niall Organa]

Niall is silent and unmoving for a few moments. Slowly, his eyes widen, his lips pulling back from his teeth. Something flashed beneath the surface of his grey eyes. "I don't remember..."

After a moment, his expression returned to normal. Niall's chin jerked upwards an inch. "I don't remember, or at least not completely." He said in a more normal time. "Things start to become spotty right before I was hit." Except sometimes he remembered everything, down to the smell of his own burning flesh. "And for some time after, when I was in the medical ward, as well. There are gaps. Sometimes they come and go."

He gave a tiny snort, trying and failing to sound amused. "I don't remember you reading, either."

[Cole Ormont]

He recognises an oncoming PTSD flashback when he sees one. He pushes off the desk and fetches a fresh glass of water for the Captain.

Cole is not one man. He is the cast of characters he has been required to play: the son, the soldier, the surgeon, the medic, the teacher. His discards the failed mask of 'friend', crushing down all the thoughts and feelings that go along with that. He is Cole, the Physician.

He presses the water upon the Captain, "drink, slowly, remember your breathing exercises."

[Niall Organa]

"No, no." Niall shook his head firmly, waving Cole away, clearly still agitated. "I'm fine." After a few moments, with twist of his lips, he accepted the glass of water after all, murmuring thanks.

"I merely find it distressing to have things that I can't remember." He sipped water. "I do sometimes remember, though. Obviously, if I was having nightmares." He grimaced.

[Cole Ormont]

Cole straightened, then leaned back against the desk. "It's perfectly normal to not remember. Do you still have nightmares?"

[Niall Organa]

Niall is silent for a few moments. "I'm not sure. I don't remember them. But... I do sometimes wake up very suddenly, my heart pounding. I would guess that I still have them, yes. Sometimes."

[Cole Ormont]

Nodding, "all within parameters. I'm sorry to have brought it up."

[Niall Organa]

Niall's lips twisted. "I suppose that there is some comfort in that my particular case isn't unusual." His grey eyes took on a bit of a haunted look again. "Ah... and this is just between us, yes?"

[Cole Ormont]

"Of course." Cole didn't put any caveats on it, he would keep the Captain's confidence.

[Niall Organa]

"Thank you." Niall said softly.

After a few moments, he smiled. "And thank you for the reading, as well. Even if I can't remember it. It is nevertheless a comfort, somehow."

[Cole Ormont]

Having the Captain smile at him sent a sudden paralysis through the medic. He felt stiff and awkward; he tried his own lopsided smile and it was genuine, if awkward. "You, uh, play a mean game of huttball, Captain," he reaches self-consciously for something to say.

[Niall Organa]

Niall's eyebrows went up a little. "Thank you." He said. "As I said before, it does have a number of similarities to Grav-Ball, if Grav-Ball were considerably more violent. And I was the captain of my Academy Grav-Ball team."

He inclined his head to Cole, giving him just a hint of a smile. "You also played well. Is it something you'd like to try again, then?"

[Cole Ormont]

Cole closed his eyes against the brief thrill that flickered through him, "I'll be there tonight, if that's what you mean. I admit I was surprised, I was pretty much expecting to be crushed and carried off in a stretcher with Ashla gloating the whole time."